Prayer for Honesty

I God,

We look at events around us and cannot perceive you within them. We shed tears and find no comfort. We listen for your voice and are greeted by silence. The world seems full of enemies waiting to devour us. On every hand, there are problems too complicated for us to solve. We live in fear rather than faith. We cry out to you for answers. Please hear our prayer, O God. Amen.

Weird Happening

You need to get out of the flesh , it's going to catch up with you ..so I came to the library to find a book literary poet John Donne and I went and found a couple of books and went to a secluded part to read them and this old woman I sat down by had her back to me and when I sat down she lingered for about a minute and then as she was leaving she said this...  Prior to coming to the library I was watching a movie about a woman professor who had terminal ovarian cancer and in her last days I began to reflect on how I would take it if my carsinoma I situ were to take hold and I was dying ... It would be a horrible death .. I can't help but think she was talking to me... Saying I still have a chance to change my patterns..... I can only hope ...

New beginnings

Tonight I sit here in my apt that I share with a great person Katy and I ponder what and where my life is going and what I have done so far....I think Im going thru a midlife crysis, I realize that after turning 48 a few days ago that I really am not in the place that I want to be right now. I am possibly in the wrong job that I love and I might have moved into an apt that might not be a good decision , I am going to sell my truck and I am not sure that this is the right decision either....all I can do is pray to God that the choices that I have made are the right ones and that he will guide me in all that I am going to do. I am scared. I am at a place again that I am not sure of, it is not a good feeling to know that you might be making bad choices or have made choices that will prolong me succeeding or having a better life than before...God guide me and protect me and help me make better decisions that will help me make an amazing life for myself..I pray this in my creators name. AMEN

So many times in my life I have prayed those same words and more times than not God has lead me through a rough time, If I do what I am supposed to do, sometimes that is to only take the next step, then God usually helps me out by showing me a path that was until then hidden or fogged out. But if Im stubborn and try to force something into working out there usually is alot of worry or doubt involved and sometimes it takes me twice as long to arrive at the same destination as it would have taken if i had just gotten out of the way. Funny how that works....lol

To switch or not to switch

This was written a couple of years ago and I wanted too publish this as a memory of my struggles.

iI guess maybe iI should start from the beginning.

iI was raised in a little town in Idaho called Cour'd Alene, and little did iI know that my destiny would lead me to where iI am today. iI was raised on a Farm so milking cows and riding horses were an everyday occurrence. When an event came along at 22 that changed my life. A man!…. He took me to California and that's where my life started. iI was immediately exposed to leather, BDSM, and the underground drug life.

It wasn't until much later that iI discovered that iI really loved the leather lifestyle, and it became very apparent quickly that iI was a submissive although at the time iI had no clue what that meant. i I just know that I felt safe being told what to do and being restrained.

No dating women, and having sex with them most of my youth and adult life until then really played a big part in me making the decision that I was a switch.

It wasn't until iI turned 40, and after being in a relationship for 7 1/2 years that iI looked towards the fetish world for answers. iI was bored in my relationship that had turned flat, and I needed more!  So through a chance meeting with a woman, a dominatrix that iI started my journey. Through my relationship with Hher that iI discovered iI was the switch.

Here's the story of my journey with her and my discovering that iI was a switch.

iI met her at a pride festival that iI was going to and iI had asked Hher how I could participate in our community in the finish world, because iI was still very naïve when it came to all of the workings of our family. So Sshe took mMe on as a submissive for Hher place… And a tight relationship formed very quickly between Hher and iI, now iI being a gay man and Sshe being A woman iI was not sure how this is going to work , but Wwe forged ahead blindly not knowing how this was going to all play out.  iI was excited and the fact that iI was going to have a Dom again, as my partner after a few years decided he was not wanting to participate as a Dom. So onward Wwe went going to events, planning parties.. Just having an amazing time. Now there came a time when iI was exposed to a whole slew of fetishes, one of them being littles… Now unbeknownst to Hher for Sshe thought, Sshe had a little inside Hher, just waiting to explode out into the world, now the reason why iI say unbeknownst to Hher,  was that through the years Sshe had a childlike person inside Hher that Sshe would only let come out when Sshe felt safe. We became so close that Sshe was more felt safe enough to reveal that Sshe had this little girl inside of Hher that was yearning to get out and that if it was okay with mMe that Wwe would try something very new. And that was that iI would be Hher Daddy and sShe would be My little gGirl, now it in the fetish world if you do age play a lot of times there is sensual play that is involved as well, but for Mme when sShe became a little iI really truly became hHer Dad and could no longer see hHer as a grown woman so therefore  iI could no longer be passionate with hHer. And in turn mMe being gay and the fact that II saw hHer as a "little" really sealed oOur fate. iI truly was a good Daddy, iI took care of hHer iI tried to make hHer feel safe gate for the things that sShe needed but one of the things iI could never do was iI couldn't see hHer passionately anymore, iI truly regret going down this path. But what this event did for mMe, was iI realize that iI truly had the ability to be a caring dominant and a loyal submissive, now I'm a submissive or a boy at heart and iI prefer that position, iI also don't mind being a dominant once in a while.

 Sexually iI am a submissive, but fetishly iI am truly a switch, iI really enjoy getting flogged and beat and iI also love flogging, whipping, beating, spanking, cutting and much more as a top.... So iI think iI can say from this point that iI am a switch. Now mMy inexperience maybe fooling mMe, the people around mMe hey tell mMe different but in mMy heart and in mMy mind it is "to sSwitch". iI appreciate all who reads this, and iI definitely would appreciate comments or hearing other people stories about switching, not only sexually but emotionally and physically.

iI will say this, iI was REALLY confused about who iI was and iI do not recommend getting into a D/s relationship like this unless you know who you are. iI hurt the her very badly because of mMy not knowing, and experimenting with that relationship ultimately led to Hher not ever talking to mMe again. iI am truly sorry for this as mMy life was enriched by Hher presence.

Also iI have tried to get my protocol right and apologize if iI have confused anyone.

Thank you, 

Boy Loren

Note to reader: The double CAP/lower case denotes Order of Dominance.

Sshe= I am referencing her dominant side first and her submissive side second...it all depends on the situation.

sShe= submissive forst dominent side is second

Bad day

Have you ever noticed when you walk into a restaurant, or store, and you can usually tell when somebody's not having a good day.

That's where this blog entry starts. I go to this little store which I go fairly often maybe two or three times maybe even 4 to 5 times a month, every time I go in, I have my sandwich made from this really nice looking Mexican guy. For some reason I don't think he likes me, because every time I come in and he's there, it seems that he's always in a bad mood..it's almost like I'm wasting his time. I've noticed this several times throughout the last year that I've been going there. Yesterday I went in and got a sandwich and he was very rude, like I was wasting  his time once again. He was up on a ladder on boxing wine and stacking them on the Shell, he kept turning around and looking at me and turning back around, and slamming the bottles on the shelf muttering something under his breath in Spanish. Finally I said to him I would like to order a sandwich. He slammed his last bottle down on the shelf, climbed it down off The latter, went behind the counter and angrily made my sandwich.it tasted good despite his angry energy to be put into it, so today I walked in and he was talking with this nice-looking Latino guy, happily I might add, or as happy as he has ever appeared to me,after literately his tone changed very angry very what you want so I stood there he asked me what sandwich I wanted very rudely and finally I said never mind I walked away from the counter, And he asked me what type of sandwich and I said no thanks,  He asks again are you sure you don't want a sandwich and I said no I'll go someplace else. I left .I am so tired of people putting their negative energy towards my way and I've decided that I'm not going to participate, I've been going there for almost a year and spending my money to go there at least 10 or $15 purchasing sandwiches and candies and drinks from that store and I can because of him I will not go back.

To be, or not to be… I drag Queen

I wanted to write in my blog today about one thing that I love very much. Drag! Now I don't see myself as a drag queen per se but I do love doing drag. The other night I got to play dress-up. And I think more than anything else it's the process, that I go through to become I alter ego Anita Goodman that is the fun part. Getting the drag box full of wonderfully altered drag clothes like my green dress looks like it I just popped out of a episode of Flintstones, or my purple sparkly dress that I use when I am going to something that's formal. Or just my fun and insane outfit, goth girl clothes. And my make up kit, which used to be a gigantic toolbox until I went to a garage sale and I got this wonderful makeup box that was a Paul Mitchell or a Mac makeup case.

When I was younger it would take me two hours to do my makeup and I look fabulous, I was younger, skinny, Twinkie and very youthful and I had cheekbones to the sky so doing my make up was pretty easy. Now that I'm older it's a little bit more difficult as my eyebrows or brows are droopy and the wrinkles around my eyes are just a little bit more prominent. I have through the years, learn tech makes to hide the crevices and cracks and to cover up those blemishes with base so that I have a smooth finish. I would like to get one of those airbrushes that use makeup make it smooth base.

I love just everything about the process, starting cleaning my face and shaving which brings a Youthful looking itself, and making sure the bases all combined and shaded in and then starting with the eyeshadow, and then one of my favorite parts is putting on the eyelashes and using the liquid latex for glue to stick them on, the payoff of a few aggravating moments is wonderfully lush sick looking eyelashes.

I have to say one of the most proud features of my whole face or my lips, I take great time and care to do them right. They are bright and bold and exciting and really bring the whole look together. 

Beating of a grateful heart

It's July 6, 2014,

As a wake up in the morning, I hear the birds, the leaves and all of the sounds of early morning. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life, and this is only made possible by a series of events that has led me down this path today. I just have to say how grateful IM for all of the people in my life that support me in every way. Now my life before this wasn't very tragic, but I found myself struggling on a daily basis, to make sense of my world. I was constantly thinking on how I could mold myself to the world around me. If anyone out there is like me, they know that it is a constant battle to try to live a life based on manipulating yourself and molding yourself to your surroundings. It gets downright tiring.

I have noticed since I changed my course and path of my life that things are easier, before, I would need permission to do something or a reason that was not my own to go down the path, and now I've given myself the ability to do things on my own, without permission of those people who I  view as influencing my life. I do not need approval from anyone! That also brings up the matter of consequence, before, I could give that responsibility of making that decision and it's outcome to someone else, now that responsibility of the decision and outcome is mine own. Before when I basted decision on something it was the fear of the outcome that I base that on. Now it is based on the journey not the outcome. 10 times more free because I'm not worried about what the outcome is only, I focused on the journey and whatever the outcome happens to be, is what it is.

I guess what I'm saying in short is I finally grew the set of balls that it took to make the decisions and take the outcome on as my own. And can I tell you how much more of a man am I today for that.

Now some of my friends like the new Lauren, and some of the friends do not. Those friends that view me as independent and strong and I'm manipulative, love it! The other that used to manipulate me and use that weakness to do their bidding do not like the new me. Because I cannot be manipulated! I do things because I want to, not because I have a sense of responsibility to them.

For a limited time only

It took me 45 years and some months to realize that we only have a limited time here on earth. I now understand those persons who say that they live like their last day like there is no tomorrow.  Meaning they live life and try and have a little regret as possible. 

We are not guaranteed any amount of time in this beautiful earth. I was in the hospital for the second time Ths last week, once for my friend Domina who has been suffering brain bleeds and blood stoppage to the brain,  for some time now and she had a really bad episode and then yesterday for me as I had a procedure that was unsuccessful, both of these really made me think and as I was sitting there in the hospital my friend Chad who is a pretty friggin awesome dude came to visit me pre and post op. He reminded to pray and sat there holding my hand while I prayed. I said a quick prayer and then the boys came and got me, chad said to pray and that I would be ok, and I nodded ,winked and blew a kiss to him as I left. 

All this made me realize that I only have a short time on this earth and if I am living in regret or unhappiness then I am not living my life as it should be. I am using this a catalyst to change my life, for I have been doing just that...living in a life that I don't think I'm supposed to be in.

So it has taken me several months to write this blog, and since my last entry I've made some decisions that really improved my life.

I realized I was not living in my integrity and that things in my life didn't feel right, and the only way that this was going to change, is if I changed it. So in doing so, I had to make some really difficult decisions, two of them being getting out of relationships that I should never been in the first place, or second trying to make the relationships that I did have count.

Since. Since making these extremely difficult decisions my life has really turned around for the better, it is amazing what can happen when you Live completely in your integrity. All I can say is it took me 40 or so years of people pleasing to come to this conclusion that I truly deserve to be as happy as I was trying to make those around me. I am here today to say that I am no longer one of those individuals that needs to be validated my others solely.  I love my life and the man that I have become.

Serving Ma'am a Anniversary present for You.

i wear my label very proudly "Boy Loren" it has a certain ring to it. Well, the reason why i am writing this today is that my Ma'am and i have been on quite a journey together this past year. Let me start from the beginning.

Bound by Loyalty

     It is 2012 Gay Pride in San Diego and i am wondering around the grounds going from one booth to the next seeing if i just had to have whatever they were selling. All the while making my way to my favorite place in the whole festival...The Leather Realm...As i approach the entrance it is draped in dark black plastic as to hide whatever debauchery was going on inside. The line to get in was not long but it was always long enough for me to day dream of what MIGHT be going on and what toys would be for sale. Now i'm not sure why this is but every year as i approach the gate i wonder if  they will let me in, i go back to my days of being too young or too pure and naive, i was never let in...but every year they check my ID and flag me in.

     The excitement as i go through the black plastic shroud is finally realized as i enter, half expecting to see fire shooting from someone’s face or screams to be heard that the black plastic magically muffles to the outside world. i get goose bumps as i wonder around from table to table booth to booth with wide eyes looking and all the wonderful toys., as i walk my eye catches sight of a woman dressed head to toe in Pony gear pulling what seems to be two first time joy rides laughing and giggling as the pony pulls them around one lap around the Realm. They halt her and she whinnies like a good pony would after a successful yet annoying pull carrying normies who really don't truly understand, but are there to only gawk and giggle. her Handler comes and pets her main and she settles.

     As i moved on i come across a tent with chairs filled with onlookers some squirming with fear, others squirming with delight, as a Domme plays with a sub that has been tied down and She is tickling him, but not with a feather but with electricity. i quickly take my place in the audience and i can feel the energy from the sub ebb and flow as She touches his skin...oh i forgot to tell you I'm also an em-path or energy exchange.

As I sit watching, I'm wishing i was him, so i could feel the sting and exchange of electricity and the smell of the Ozone that is created by the Violet Wand that is being used. If you have ever used or had a violet wand used on you, you would never forget the smell that this amazing piece sends out. he squirms with every jolt and finally the Domm asks if anyone wants to come up and play and my hand shoots up so fast, i'm even surprised. Due to my diligence, She calls on me and i go up, She asks if i have ever played with the wand and i eagerly state it is one of my favorite toys to play with. She hands me the wand and i selfishly test it out on myself acting as if I need to TEST it to be sure the strength. Getting a little of my electric fix i start tickling the sub all over, my playing only last briefly as there are other audience members that want their turn, so i try and hit all the spots that i know i like and it is obvious that the sub and i have the same spots. i finish up and the sub thanks me for my part and i walk on.

Kept by Love

     As i walk on i notice a booth with two of the most beautiful woman in the place, standing behind the table. i try not to stare but i can’t help myself, they stand behind their table with grace and power, i edge my way to the table acting as if i am only slightly interested. i pick up a brochure or pamphlet they have and i study it for a bit, sneaking peaks at these two powerhouses, my intrigue building until i could not hold it in any more and i introduced myself. Awkwardly i felt as if i was back in school in front of the class giving a speech or biography or something i asked what they were about and who they were. The little short black Diva known as Domina, explained about the dungeon and what they were about as Mistress Shae the tall light skinned Domme stood excitedly beside Domina and added comments to Her answers. i stated that i had been in the Gay Leather community since i was 22 years old and that i was Mr. Palm Springs Leather in 2005 and since then i have wanted to give back to my community and just have not known how to do it, and i thought maybe i could give back to my community through service to them. Little did i know that by these words it would start an effect that has lasted to today. We ended our niceties and i left my number with them. As i walked away i felt as if i may have just started something that would grow into something REALLY big. i went home thinking how beautiful these two women were and how strong and majestically they held themselves. i had hoped that i would be able to work for them and be of service to my community.

   

Controlled by Passion

    A day went by and then i received an email from Domina asking me to meet them at a local bar called "The Local". Anxiously i went to the appointment not know what to expect. We spoke and chatted and laughed and came to the conclusion that we were going to be a fit. Mistress Shae immediately started the training by instructing me on proper walking protocol with Ma'am as She came to be known."One step to the side and two steps behind", she instructed me and I followed to the letter as we left. We said our goodbyes and i was to wait to hear from them. i did not have to wait long as Domina called to set up an appointment with me to go over things. From very early on it was apparent that i was chosen. As time went on Mistress Shae dropped back and Domina took the reins. i soon came to know how amazing this woman REALLY was, The Head Patriarch of an international Family of about 85 individuals, with talents that have no limitations, She rules the family with strength, love, loyalty & compassion. In the past year i have met some amazing people that would enrich anyone's life. Talented, brave, eclectic, passionate and some that are just downright crazy but the one that stands out the most is Domina Angelina.

Held by Strength

     She has Poise, She emanates Power, She has Beauty, Grace, Empathy and most of all, a sense of Strong Vulnerability about  Her the has enabled Her and i to become best friends. my life has become so rich with Her in it. Wwe have gifted each other things that only true friends share. Wwe have walked through many good and difficult things since Wwe met, always coming out on the other side wiser and closer than before. 

      Ma'am has allowed me to become Her Boy, Protector & Daddy, She has gifted me Her trust and love and Her vulnerable little girl Angel. i could not imagine my life without Her in it. She has brought out the Boy, Brat, Daddy and most of all the Man out in me. Her and i connect on such a level that i thought impossible with a woman. For I am pretty much a card carrying, or should I say crown carrying gay man....lol The thing about Domina and i is that Wwe are fluid, Wwe are not bound by our traditional BSDM lifestyle, although Wwe are heavy into protocol, She being who She is can pave Her own way.

     One thing i forgot to mention that i never expected and still have a hard time wrapping my head around, is that because i am Her boy, i hold a lot of responsibility for Her and the Family, this is an honor i never in a million years would have thought i would have. i am one of the luckiest guys i know to have a beautiful and talented Ma'am and be Her sidekick to help and love this family. WOW

Lead by Integrity

     i'm writing this today as it is Oour 1 year anniversary and i am not one to write my feelings down , but She has impacted my life so much that i am honoring Her with this beautiful tale of love and devotion.

Thank You  Ma'am

Happy Anniversary

In Love and Devotion Your Boy Loren 

Morgan McMichaels and I at Urban Mo's

Logo’s Drag Race Tour featuring ABSOLUT Vodka: Cocktails Perfected at Urban Mo's- The Greatest Gay Bar In The World!  

Michelle Visage and Chad Michaels, and featuring Jinkx Monsoon, Alaska Thunderfuck, Roxxxy Andrews, Morgan McMichaels (Season 2) & Delta Work (Season 3) & One Of RuPaul's Pit Crew member, "Jason Carter."

Beautiful words for a beautiful moment.

Thoughts of bringing your flesh joy; consumed My every move; my desires. You were My desire last night. your laughter, your pain, your raw passion … to endure to please Me. Watching you clutch at every exploration of pain … made Me even want you more. Fuck! Your thirst as you took My face into your hands; drawing our lips to touch, to taste one another.

Powerful. Beautiful. Passion. Lust. Desire. Kneeling in front of each other as we connected as never before. Tears of understanding. Tears of acceptance. How can I ever thank you? I wanted to feel Myself within you (must fuck My pussy). I felt so much raw passion between us?

The candles, the music; your scent. Did I imagine your desire for Me? Perhaps? Maybe? you have lit a fire within Me that is ignited even more when your submission is near. When your Dominance is present. When all of you is willing.

your gifts. I still find Myself speechless. Why do I feel save with them? Priceless<3

We shared. Oh! How we explored. All of last night felt so right … so natural. Loved!!! Shaving our hole; our pussy. Watching you pee. Let’s not forget the joy that was precum!!

Enjoying My wickedly sexy toy. I don’t think you know how incredibly beautiful you truly are.
MORE!

I am still in aww of our night! So forgive these words for not expressing what is truly in My heart. Do know there is a lot.
Ps. I feel beautiful when I’m with you. Rare.

How damaged must one be....

How damaged must someone be to fake his own death.

About a year ago I took on three new sponsees, two of them were totally out there and beyond my capabilities to guide them thru the steps, and the third Frank Haney was very angry but by all standards was in appearance, willing to do the work and for the hope to get relief from his alcoholism. One of the first things he said to me was "Please don't abandon me". I promised him I would never do that. Frank or Pacey as I knew him was a very angry man to the world , but to me he was a very hurt young man who showed me that he had a heart and was vulnerable to me.

Pacey was working really hard but he was getting frustrated, because he just couldn't stay sober. He would get a week or two weeks maybe three and drink or pop pills and then you would get frustrated and get angry again. We walked through each one of these times, and it seemed as if he was learning each time. I requested that he journal and he did, I requested that he call me when he was having a problem and he did, I told him he needed to go to meetings and he did, each time, the request I made Was completed. Or so I thought. Now Pacey told me many times that he was a master manipulator, Little did I know how much of a manipulator he was. We would go to meetings together, we would eat lunch together, we would hang out when he was having a hard time and struggling. For several months we hung together almost every day and I began to love him, and know him. He told me that he drank and drove and i would tell him that one day he was going to kill himself or someone else if he didnt stop. He also told me how lonely he was and that he did not want to live. I would tell him if he killed himself now , he would be killing the wrong person. One day after a particularly hard struggle he began drink, and I stuck by him and said it would be okay. He had gotten so angry that he couldn't get it, that he was struggling and he hated that he was an alcoholic. He finally told me that he didn't want to program and he didn't want me as a sponsor and that I needed to screw off. Of course I was hurt by this, and he was bound and determined to leave the program so I told him when he Changes his mind I will be here waiting for him to support him in his recovery. He contacted me once by texting me a pic of his new tattoo, after not hearing one word from him in weeks and then once on FB stating he was thinking about suicide, I suggested going to a meeting, and getting some professional help. A month or so passed when while I was visiting LA, my sponsor called me on the phone and said, Loren I wanted to tell you this before you saw it on Facebook… Pacey committed suicide. I was crushed, my heart sank, and I couldn't help it feel guilty thinking that I could've been there For him more and somehow stopped him from committing suicide. The rest my weekend went okay and through the days and the weeks that past i mourned him I cried I got angry. About a week after the news I was finally able to get a hold of his family or a response from them through his phone. It was his brother who asked me questions about the program and why he did it or how he did it and I told him I didn't know but I told him that Pacey was a very angry individual. I told him that we loved him and that we miss him and I apologized for his loss. Conversation with his brother went on for several days maybe even a week and his brother said that there wasn't going to be any services because they were bringing the body back to where he was from, I didn't see anything unusual about that but it hurt me that there wasn't going to be a service. So I let it go and I mourn the loss .

Fast-forward several months down the road to yesterday when I was at Pete's coffee coming out of the bathroom and I noticed a very handsome young man with very similar tattoos to Pacey's on his arms and as I got closer I realized that those tattoos on those arms were connected to Pacey. Imagine my surprise and shock when I realized it was him. I went up to him and I said OhMyGod your alive, I've got so many questions what's going on I need to ask you questions and not even looking up, He said as he was typing on his phone I'm too busy and I can't talk right now. I asked him which he text me and he flat out said no… I said so you won't text me he said no. Instant anger and shock and disbelief I said… Fine. And I walked out of Pete's coffee... Completely dismissed

Can't understand and frankly don't care to understand why a person would want to hurt someone like that. I never ever once wished bad on him. I only loved and wanted to see him succeed. I can honestly say that I never want to see or speak with him again. He is such a sad, damaged, heartless individual that it is going to be by the grace of God and only God that he change. I will NEVER trust him again.

Thanks Frank A Haynie

ADHD a mixed blessing.

The day that I found out that I had ADHD was a mixed blessing, because for one it answered a lot of my questions about why I am the way I am and two it gave me a reason to better myself. Intellectually I know that because I have this my life is challenged, but emotionally it breaks my heart that everything I do must be a challenge. They say you can't have fear and faith in the same moment but I'm here to tell you that I fear a lot and I have faith it's just for me which is the stronger that day. My life has always been fear-based the matter who I was with, where I was at, or what I was doing my life and decisions are 100% based on my fear of what's going to happen, or what will happen.

"I Came To Believe"

Song lyrics by Johnny Cash
"I Came To Believe"

I couldn't manage the problems I laid on myself
And it just made it worse when I laid them on somebody else
So I finally surrendered it all brought down in despair
I cried out for help and I felt a warm comforter there

[Chorus:]
And I came to believe in a power much higher than I
I came to believe that I needed help to get by
In childlike faith I gave in and gave him a try
And I came to believe in a power much higher than I

Nothing worked out when I handled it all on my own
And each time I failed it made me feel twice as alone
Then I cried, "Lord there must be a sure and easier way
For it just cannot be that a man should lose hope every day."

[Chorus]

Yes, I came to believe in a power much higher than I


“There will never be a really free and enlightened State until the State comes to recognize the individual as a higher and independent power, from which all its own power and authority are derived, and treats him accordingly”


“

New D/s Relationship

This is such a new and exciting time in my life and I have to say that I hope to be able to post these things here. Her name is Domina Angelina. She is like a mother, but also a friend and my Dominant. I am learning that being in a relationship with her is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Here is a picture of her and I when we first started out. This collar means a lot to me, I made it myself with help of my boss and a leather company I worked at many years ago and I gave this collar to my first boy that I trained and then when he was collared by his present Dom , gifted it back to me which I now wear proudly. I will write more later. All I can say is that Ma'am means the world to me.

Love hurts

Russ,

So this letter is a long time in the making. I thought I could actually work through this but I can't. When do you finally say enough is enough, for me it was when I came back from Denver and the only thing you asked me about was about the chorus that you were specifically interested in you didn't ask anything else not how my trip was good I need anybody, but I have fun, was there a lot of emotional stuff, did you miss me. It was apparent that you couldn't be bothered to ask about any of my trip. Your lack of ability to show any interest for any aspect of my life has left me really wanting more. You know it's time to quit when a perfect stranger tells me more of how awesome of a person I am than you do. I've asked through the years for what I wanted and what I needed but it seems like it's falling on deaf ears. I just have to think that I am so worth getting my basic needs met and to tell you the truth I don't feel worth were at the end of any of it when I'm with you it takes my tricks telling me how handsome I am how special I am how great of a great of a person I am how I have a great smile and a package and body and I'm great in bed and I'm awesome kisser and to make me realize that I'm in the wrong relationship. Russ I am 44 years old and I refuse to be in this relationship one more moment like it is now I know now you are in capable of fulfilling even the basics in a relationship such as communication sacks giving compliments etc. I just don't get it I've stayed around thinking that it would get better or I would just grow into it but going to Denver made me realize I am to hold Lee selling myself short being with you I'm settling again and I'm too old to settle and I'm too young not to find that amazing man that will make me feel like I am at the center of their universe that I'm amazing and will make me feel like I'm the sexiest man alive even though I'm not. Who will genuinely tell me they love me and then show what I realize I have a big part in this and I apologize for not being all you want me to be so this is why am writing this to you now the more time that we waste with each other the more time with you take away from finding that person that will do it for us Russ I have prolong this decision because as soon as I give you this letter my life is to last it we got a change and I have not wanted to change but the longer I wait the more and happy Idk at Ross I I do love you, but I love myself more. It is not fair you or I keep going if this letter comes to you as a surprise I'm sorry. I think through the years I I've made it known that I needed change I've needed something different than what we have, we've talked and talked and talked and I tell you, I need more but I'm tired of having to ask for your approval and affection I don't want to have to ask you to ask me what is going on in my life. I really want to feel like a man that I that I love really is interested in my life and I don't feel any of that with you so I'm sorry to say I don't want to be in a relationship with you like this anymore in the back of my mind I truly hope that you read this in change but I honestly know, you will read this and you won't want to change at all so I am changing Russ I need you know that I'm not angry and and I don't mean this letter in in in anger or hatred or in dislike or in malice or any negative stuff I just want to be honest with you and I'm very sad and upset that I don't matter enough that you should really you want to listen and and know that I'm happy and want to change and take interest in my life. I do love you and I guess we really need to talk about what's next I haven't secured a place to live yet but I'm working on it. I wanted to talk to you about the truck me about maybe buying it or or maybe you could just give it to me if not it's really not your problem. I wanted to give this to you ASAP see you at had a chance to change the cruise thing. Which I understand we canceled now. I honestly don't know how you're going to react but I am really sorry I really wish it was working I never been with someone for so long ever. I want you know that I I really wanted to say thank you for sticking through the 13 months of my using with me and all of the things we did do I appreciate every one of those you are a great cook your great TV watcher I'm a buddy you're a great artist known I do know that you love me and I do know that you do care for me I just I just don't think you're able to give me the things I need and I think that you're comfortable where you're at right now. Russ I just want you to know that I do love you.

Talk about being "Hand Held"... LoL

Wow... I wish I could be in that position

How much Privacy do you think you really have..

My friend and I were chatting online the other day and he said something about my truck being a different color that he thought is was grey not white and then he asked me why my truck's back tires were blocked with pieces of wood. I didn't even think about it, I told him that is was probably because I was working on it and what picture was he looking at? He stated that it was probably an old one from Facebook that he had seen of a darker grey truck, i kew he was looking at when I was fixing my truck, I had taken the dash out and it was a grey color. Nowit really did not hit home until after a short bit he asked me if I was interested in how he knew it was on blocks in my driveway? I stated I would be interested buyt by the time he had statred saying it I already knew...Google Maps..Street View...I was on my way to looking at it when he asked me if I had used the prog befiore, I use it very often to find my way around place and it is a very good tool.

My friend stated that he could not understand why my Liscense plate # was blurred out, and I said that it was probably for privacy matters or laws put in place my the government or by google to ensure as much privacy as possible and in perfect Herrick fashion  he sends me this response:

                   (NAMES, DATES, & DOLLAR AMOUNTS HAVE BEEN CHANGED)

Names, addresses and phone numbers that are published in phone directories are sold in bulk to companies that resell the information over the internet.

Deeds showing transfers of title to real property (e.g., grant deeds, quit claim deeds, trust deeds, reconveyances, etc.) are recorded in the public records of the county where the property is located and indexed under the names to the grantor and grantee. These public records show the date of transfer of title, property address and name of the new owner.

States keep public "vital registry" records with your birth name, birth date, birth place, names of your parents, marriages, divorces, death, etc. 

States and counties sell this public info in bulk to companies that resell it over the internet. By joining your name and birthdate from the public vital records registry to your name and address from phone books, assessor's property tax roles or recorded real property deeds, these companies attempt to match your name and address and sell them over the intenet.

It's all legal because the information being sold comes from public sources.

Whenever you join almost any an internet service, e.g., FB, the company that provides the service sells links to your profile data, posts, photos, etc. to internet search engine services, such as Yahoo and Google.

Google updates it's maps from satellite data it buys from the companies that own or lease the satellites.  

In your FB, you make no secret of your name and that you live in San Diego with Eddy. From that little bit of info, anyone can search San Diego County's public records to determine your street address. This can be done in person (for free), by mail (for a fee), or over the internet (for free).

The county's internet service holds real property deeds recorded since 1982: http://arcc.co.san-diego.ca.us/services/grantorgrantee/search.aspx

From a quick search of the county's free, public internet databases, I found the following the real property document summaries:

http://arcc.co.san-diego.ca.us/arcc/services/grantorgrantee/search.aspx?SearchName=(Eddy Boroski)

Eddy is the owner of record of (123 Brooks Ave), He got title from Gaven on (2022). Possibly by quit claim. Can't tell without examing the deed.

Based on the current assessed value of ($100,000), the transfer value on (2023)must have been around ($000,000)

An entry for a trust deed recorded in (2022) from (John) to (Bank of Idaho) indicates (Eddy) did a re-fi in (1824).

The assessed value is ($100,000). Eddy's property tax bill is ($4,000), with the 1st installment is due (1899)

If you buy a house, the only way to keep your name out of the public records is to take title in another name, such as a corporate entity. The catch is that if you need to borrow to buy the house, then unless the corporation can show sufficient income of it's own, the lender is almost certainly going to require you to borrow in your own name and take title in your own name. 


And I assume that was with very little effort on my friends part, now as creepy as that is he has a valid point, with just a click and a little research you can find just about anything on anyone if you just go on the web.

My advice to all whom think that they are safe from prying eyes, think again...anytime you register on a site or create a user name on a site or put any info on a site for that matter , just think twice whether your infomation is truyly safe.

Integrity

The reason I am writing this is to share my experience about a situation that could have turned really bad. I am a 44 year old man who has been HIV+ since 1996 and in all that time I have been really diligent about telling my sexual parters about my status. About a month ago I met a beautiful guy on Grindr, a hook up site. We started talking and flirting at first it was very harmless, talking about getting together for coffee. Now I was on this site for one thing and that was to hook up and have sex. This guy made it very clear that he only wanted to get together for coffee and I agreed, I thought it might be nice to meet someone and just chat to see where it went. We met for coffee and it was very clear from the very beginning that this was going to be more then just coffee, so I pursued this course. In our conversations we talked about barebacking. We talked about a lot of things and the conversation kept going towards us getting together and him fucking me, I told him that I love getting fucked bareback and he said he liked that too and how nice it would be to fuck me and cum inside me. So after coffee I walked him back to his car and we decided that I would come over and we would PLAY. From the moment I stepped in the door the air was sexually charged. We went up to his room and started kissing, before we knew it we were naked and he was inside me, he fucked me for some time, now I never even thought to tell him I was HIV + because of all the flirting and talk about him wanting to Bareback me and he loved to bareback, I assumed he was positive. I have never met a guy before in all my hook ups that was negative that did not disclose this when chatting about barebacking. I also before this point would have disclosed my status, I am not sure why it never came about. Now this guy is the first guy in all those hookups that I did not talk about it. I always made a point in the past of telling the guy my status because I would NEVER want to give this to anyone. Any way we finished up and it was amazing. As I stepped out of the shower we chatted about what transpired and I mentioned taking meds and asked what regiment he was on, surprised he said Im not on meds and I asked why he was not on meds and when did he become positive? There was a long pause and he said Im NOT positive, a sinking feeling came over me and I said that I was. So without a beat I told him we need to go to the clinikc and he needed too get on an exposure treatment. well we did and after all of that he tested negative for the virus, and with great relief I vowed never to let that happen again, and to this day I have made good on that ........Whew! 

Quotes from Voltaire

Voltaire

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

I cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist without a clockmaker.

Not a day goes by without our using the word optimism, coined by Voltaire against Leibniz, who had demonstrated (in spite of the Ecclesiastes and with the approval of the Church) that we live in the best of possible worlds. Voltaire, very reasonably, denied that exorbitant opinion... Leibniz could have replied that a world which has given us Voltaire has some right to be considered the best.

Jorge Luis Borges, Obra completa, Vol. IV, p. 523