Weird Happening

You need to get out of the flesh , it's going to catch up with you ..so I came to the library to find a book literary poet John Donne and I went and found a couple of books and went to a secluded part to read them and this old woman I sat down by had her back to me and when I sat down she lingered for about a minute and then as she was leaving she said this...  Prior to coming to the library I was watching a movie about a woman professor who had terminal ovarian cancer and in her last days I began to reflect on how I would take it if my carsinoma I situ were to take hold and I was dying ... It would be a horrible death .. I can't help but think she was talking to me... Saying I still have a chance to change my patterns..... I can only hope ...

New beginnings

Tonight I sit here in my apt that I share with a great person Katy and I ponder what and where my life is going and what I have done so far....I think Im going thru a midlife crysis, I realize that after turning 48 a few days ago that I really am not in the place that I want to be right now. I am possibly in the wrong job that I love and I might have moved into an apt that might not be a good decision , I am going to sell my truck and I am not sure that this is the right decision either....all I can do is pray to God that the choices that I have made are the right ones and that he will guide me in all that I am going to do. I am scared. I am at a place again that I am not sure of, it is not a good feeling to know that you might be making bad choices or have made choices that will prolong me succeeding or having a better life than before...God guide me and protect me and help me make better decisions that will help me make an amazing life for myself..I pray this in my creators name. AMEN

So many times in my life I have prayed those same words and more times than not God has lead me through a rough time, If I do what I am supposed to do, sometimes that is to only take the next step, then God usually helps me out by showing me a path that was until then hidden or fogged out. But if Im stubborn and try to force something into working out there usually is alot of worry or doubt involved and sometimes it takes me twice as long to arrive at the same destination as it would have taken if i had just gotten out of the way. Funny how that works....lol

To switch or not to switch

This was written a couple of years ago and I wanted too publish this as a memory of my struggles.

iI guess maybe iI should start from the beginning.

iI was raised in a little town in Idaho called Cour'd Alene, and little did iI know that my destiny would lead me to where iI am today. iI was raised on a Farm so milking cows and riding horses were an everyday occurrence. When an event came along at 22 that changed my life. A man!…. He took me to California and that's where my life started. iI was immediately exposed to leather, BDSM, and the underground drug life.

It wasn't until much later that iI discovered that iI really loved the leather lifestyle, and it became very apparent quickly that iI was a submissive although at the time iI had no clue what that meant. i I just know that I felt safe being told what to do and being restrained.

No dating women, and having sex with them most of my youth and adult life until then really played a big part in me making the decision that I was a switch.

It wasn't until iI turned 40, and after being in a relationship for 7 1/2 years that iI looked towards the fetish world for answers. iI was bored in my relationship that had turned flat, and I needed more!  So through a chance meeting with a woman, a dominatrix that iI started my journey. Through my relationship with Hher that iI discovered iI was the switch.

Here's the story of my journey with her and my discovering that iI was a switch.

iI met her at a pride festival that iI was going to and iI had asked Hher how I could participate in our community in the finish world, because iI was still very naïve when it came to all of the workings of our family. So Sshe took mMe on as a submissive for Hher place… And a tight relationship formed very quickly between Hher and iI, now iI being a gay man and Sshe being A woman iI was not sure how this is going to work , but Wwe forged ahead blindly not knowing how this was going to all play out.  iI was excited and the fact that iI was going to have a Dom again, as my partner after a few years decided he was not wanting to participate as a Dom. So onward Wwe went going to events, planning parties.. Just having an amazing time. Now there came a time when iI was exposed to a whole slew of fetishes, one of them being littles… Now unbeknownst to Hher for Sshe thought, Sshe had a little inside Hher, just waiting to explode out into the world, now the reason why iI say unbeknownst to Hher,  was that through the years Sshe had a childlike person inside Hher that Sshe would only let come out when Sshe felt safe. We became so close that Sshe was more felt safe enough to reveal that Sshe had this little girl inside of Hher that was yearning to get out and that if it was okay with mMe that Wwe would try something very new. And that was that iI would be Hher Daddy and sShe would be My little gGirl, now it in the fetish world if you do age play a lot of times there is sensual play that is involved as well, but for Mme when sShe became a little iI really truly became hHer Dad and could no longer see hHer as a grown woman so therefore  iI could no longer be passionate with hHer. And in turn mMe being gay and the fact that II saw hHer as a "little" really sealed oOur fate. iI truly was a good Daddy, iI took care of hHer iI tried to make hHer feel safe gate for the things that sShe needed but one of the things iI could never do was iI couldn't see hHer passionately anymore, iI truly regret going down this path. But what this event did for mMe, was iI realize that iI truly had the ability to be a caring dominant and a loyal submissive, now I'm a submissive or a boy at heart and iI prefer that position, iI also don't mind being a dominant once in a while.

 Sexually iI am a submissive, but fetishly iI am truly a switch, iI really enjoy getting flogged and beat and iI also love flogging, whipping, beating, spanking, cutting and much more as a top.... So iI think iI can say from this point that iI am a switch. Now mMy inexperience maybe fooling mMe, the people around mMe hey tell mMe different but in mMy heart and in mMy mind it is "to sSwitch". iI appreciate all who reads this, and iI definitely would appreciate comments or hearing other people stories about switching, not only sexually but emotionally and physically.

iI will say this, iI was REALLY confused about who iI was and iI do not recommend getting into a D/s relationship like this unless you know who you are. iI hurt the her very badly because of mMy not knowing, and experimenting with that relationship ultimately led to Hher not ever talking to mMe again. iI am truly sorry for this as mMy life was enriched by Hher presence.

Also iI have tried to get my protocol right and apologize if iI have confused anyone.

Thank you, 

Boy Loren

Note to reader: The double CAP/lower case denotes Order of Dominance.

Sshe= I am referencing her dominant side first and her submissive side second...it all depends on the situation.

sShe= submissive forst dominent side is second

Bad day

Have you ever noticed when you walk into a restaurant, or store, and you can usually tell when somebody's not having a good day.

That's where this blog entry starts. I go to this little store which I go fairly often maybe two or three times maybe even 4 to 5 times a month, every time I go in, I have my sandwich made from this really nice looking Mexican guy. For some reason I don't think he likes me, because every time I come in and he's there, it seems that he's always in a bad mood..it's almost like I'm wasting his time. I've noticed this several times throughout the last year that I've been going there. Yesterday I went in and got a sandwich and he was very rude, like I was wasting  his time once again. He was up on a ladder on boxing wine and stacking them on the Shell, he kept turning around and looking at me and turning back around, and slamming the bottles on the shelf muttering something under his breath in Spanish. Finally I said to him I would like to order a sandwich. He slammed his last bottle down on the shelf, climbed it down off The latter, went behind the counter and angrily made my sandwich.it tasted good despite his angry energy to be put into it, so today I walked in and he was talking with this nice-looking Latino guy, happily I might add, or as happy as he has ever appeared to me,after literately his tone changed very angry very what you want so I stood there he asked me what sandwich I wanted very rudely and finally I said never mind I walked away from the counter, And he asked me what type of sandwich and I said no thanks,  He asks again are you sure you don't want a sandwich and I said no I'll go someplace else. I left .I am so tired of people putting their negative energy towards my way and I've decided that I'm not going to participate, I've been going there for almost a year and spending my money to go there at least 10 or $15 purchasing sandwiches and candies and drinks from that store and I can because of him I will not go back.

To be, or not to be… I drag Queen

I wanted to write in my blog today about one thing that I love very much. Drag! Now I don't see myself as a drag queen per se but I do love doing drag. The other night I got to play dress-up. And I think more than anything else it's the process, that I go through to become I alter ego Anita Goodman that is the fun part. Getting the drag box full of wonderfully altered drag clothes like my green dress looks like it I just popped out of a episode of Flintstones, or my purple sparkly dress that I use when I am going to something that's formal. Or just my fun and insane outfit, goth girl clothes. And my make up kit, which used to be a gigantic toolbox until I went to a garage sale and I got this wonderful makeup box that was a Paul Mitchell or a Mac makeup case.

When I was younger it would take me two hours to do my makeup and I look fabulous, I was younger, skinny, Twinkie and very youthful and I had cheekbones to the sky so doing my make up was pretty easy. Now that I'm older it's a little bit more difficult as my eyebrows or brows are droopy and the wrinkles around my eyes are just a little bit more prominent. I have through the years, learn tech makes to hide the crevices and cracks and to cover up those blemishes with base so that I have a smooth finish. I would like to get one of those airbrushes that use makeup make it smooth base.

I love just everything about the process, starting cleaning my face and shaving which brings a Youthful looking itself, and making sure the bases all combined and shaded in and then starting with the eyeshadow, and then one of my favorite parts is putting on the eyelashes and using the liquid latex for glue to stick them on, the payoff of a few aggravating moments is wonderfully lush sick looking eyelashes.

I have to say one of the most proud features of my whole face or my lips, I take great time and care to do them right. They are bright and bold and exciting and really bring the whole look together. 

Beating of a grateful heart

It's July 6, 2014,

As a wake up in the morning, I hear the birds, the leaves and all of the sounds of early morning. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life, and this is only made possible by a series of events that has led me down this path today. I just have to say how grateful IM for all of the people in my life that support me in every way. Now my life before this wasn't very tragic, but I found myself struggling on a daily basis, to make sense of my world. I was constantly thinking on how I could mold myself to the world around me. If anyone out there is like me, they know that it is a constant battle to try to live a life based on manipulating yourself and molding yourself to your surroundings. It gets downright tiring.

I have noticed since I changed my course and path of my life that things are easier, before, I would need permission to do something or a reason that was not my own to go down the path, and now I've given myself the ability to do things on my own, without permission of those people who I  view as influencing my life. I do not need approval from anyone! That also brings up the matter of consequence, before, I could give that responsibility of making that decision and it's outcome to someone else, now that responsibility of the decision and outcome is mine own. Before when I basted decision on something it was the fear of the outcome that I base that on. Now it is based on the journey not the outcome. 10 times more free because I'm not worried about what the outcome is only, I focused on the journey and whatever the outcome happens to be, is what it is.

I guess what I'm saying in short is I finally grew the set of balls that it took to make the decisions and take the outcome on as my own. And can I tell you how much more of a man am I today for that.

Now some of my friends like the new Lauren, and some of the friends do not. Those friends that view me as independent and strong and I'm manipulative, love it! The other that used to manipulate me and use that weakness to do their bidding do not like the new me. Because I cannot be manipulated! I do things because I want to, not because I have a sense of responsibility to them.

For a limited time only

It took me 45 years and some months to realize that we only have a limited time here on earth. I now understand those persons who say that they live like their last day like there is no tomorrow.  Meaning they live life and try and have a little regret as possible. 

We are not guaranteed any amount of time in this beautiful earth. I was in the hospital for the second time Ths last week, once for my friend Domina who has been suffering brain bleeds and blood stoppage to the brain,  for some time now and she had a really bad episode and then yesterday for me as I had a procedure that was unsuccessful, both of these really made me think and as I was sitting there in the hospital my friend Chad who is a pretty friggin awesome dude came to visit me pre and post op. He reminded to pray and sat there holding my hand while I prayed. I said a quick prayer and then the boys came and got me, chad said to pray and that I would be ok, and I nodded ,winked and blew a kiss to him as I left. 

All this made me realize that I only have a short time on this earth and if I am living in regret or unhappiness then I am not living my life as it should be. I am using this a catalyst to change my life, for I have been doing just that...living in a life that I don't think I'm supposed to be in.

So it has taken me several months to write this blog, and since my last entry I've made some decisions that really improved my life.

I realized I was not living in my integrity and that things in my life didn't feel right, and the only way that this was going to change, is if I changed it. So in doing so, I had to make some really difficult decisions, two of them being getting out of relationships that I should never been in the first place, or second trying to make the relationships that I did have count.

Since. Since making these extremely difficult decisions my life has really turned around for the better, it is amazing what can happen when you Live completely in your integrity. All I can say is it took me 40 or so years of people pleasing to come to this conclusion that I truly deserve to be as happy as I was trying to make those around me. I am here today to say that I am no longer one of those individuals that needs to be validated my others solely.  I love my life and the man that I have become.